My brain is stuck on repeat.

So, I have been professionally diagnosed with OCD. Most people know what this is. For those who don't, it's obssesive-compulsive disorder. Most people know the side where people have to wash their hands until they are raw or do things a certain number of times. Those are compulsions. I have mostly obsessions. My few compulsions are minor: I can't eat food that touches. I also eat it one thing at a time, starting with my least favorite food. (And if it is like a casserole or something, I eat it one thing at a time. Take, for example, Hamburger Helper. I eat all the pasta first, then eat the meat.)

It also shows up in my typing, if you could actually watch me type. I have an online dictionary and thesaurus open on a different tab before I start typing anything. Then I re-read EVERYTHING! I do it multiple times, too. I'm looking for misspelled word, grammatical errors, phrases I can improve, and other crazy stuff. I even re-read it after I post it. And, if I find an error then, I have to edit it to correct it. I also have a problem with too many details. (If you've gotten to this point of this post, I can hear your "DUH!") I want to make sure what I mean is perfectly clear. You've heard of "not seeing the forest for the trees"? I can see the splinters that make up those trees!

Anyway, most of my OCD is obsessive based. I have what has been called circular thoughts. I start at A, which leads to B, which leads to C, which leads to D, which comes right back to A. Each cirlce isn't always the same, but it's always the same idea. I'll spare you the example. I am also a perfectionist to a severe degree. I plan stuff out. And I plan it to the tinest detail. Or either, it is beyond my control, so I don't plan anything. My therapist says I see in "black and white." I have trouble doing things half-way. Okay, that's an understatement. I can't do things halfway.

My brain gets stuck on topics sometimes. It's like a broken record, constantly skipping to the same line of the song. When I find something new I like, I LOVE it. I can't get enough! I spend hours researching and learning about it. My current "obsession" is a band called My Chemical Romance. I have always liked some of their songs, but right now, I'm addicted. I even know they are in Europe on tour right now until early November, when they come home for the release of their new album. I'm assuming they will break for the holidays, too, since Gee and Frank have new babies. Actually, Frank has two, twin girls. SEE?

My brain's not always bad, though. I have a natural gift of understanding numbers. I just get them, like a second language. I learn things fairly easy, as well, if I'm interested in the subject matter. I know all kinds of useless information--just ask my husband! I can read instructions and do whatever I just read. I am called articulate and detail-oriented because of this disorder. I consider both of those to be compliments.

I'm not really sure how this came to be my post tonight. (Well, yeah I do--ODC!) It's just weird sometimes when people don't get it. They can't see my OCD. My husband is great with me and my OCD; he seems to understand. He has watched me fall apart. Even better, he has put me back together with little judgement! Sometimes I just want to put a shirt on that reads "I have OCD. Please ignore my quirks." I hope no one takes this post the wrong way. I just needed to say this to others in a nonthreatening way.

I suppose the moral of tonight's post is the old adage "never judge a book by its cover." Or in my case, a person by their outward appearances. People always say you never know what tragedy someone is dealing with. Sometimes, you never know what everyday situation that person is living with!

The Struggles of a "Growing Mom"

Today is almost over. It was a good day. Today was Caleb's second birthday. It just seems like yesterday the nurses handed me each one of my children. Will had been in the neonatal ICU for several hours before I got to see him the first time. All I could see, though, was perfection. Erin was so adorably fat, like a little marshmellow baby. Nate was 5 weeks early, scaring us a little. He needed billi lights, help with his temperature a couple of time, and he grunted for the first week. You'd never know it now. And Caleb was so small to have such cheeks, with the cutest recessed chin. All of my babies were cesarean babies, so they all had perfect rounded heads. And all of them seemed so small. I will never forget how warm that newborn bundle is the first time you hold it.

Now, they hardly resemble my babies anymore. Even Caleb talks and plays without me. He doesn't need Mommy as much. None of them want to be cuddled. But I'm still needed, when sickness comes, or boo-boo's hurt, or tummy's need filling, I'm still needed. I hope to always be needed.

I think of my parents. I still need to talk to my Daddy sometimes. Just to reassure me I'm still his "little girl." And I still call Mom when I need womanly advice. They don't always say what I want them to say, but they are still my parents. I have always been "Daddy's little girl," and I suppose I always will be!

It a strange thing, to sit in the quiet of night and think about your kids. I want them to grow up to be good people. But at the same time, I want them to stop growing! I want to always be their Mommy. Erin will say, "Mmoooommmm!" and I'll say right back, "Eeeerrrrr!" She doesn't like being called "Er". I don't like being called "Mom". She'll get it and try again, "Momma..." Sigh, another near miss of growing up! Someday, she'll call me "Mom" no matter how I feel about it. But for the moment, she's still my little girl.

Now, Caleb's birthday is officially over. Another year come and gone. At least I didn't miss it!

Good night, my babies! I love you! Sleep tight! (And stop growing so fast!)

Just an introduction...

This is my first blog post ever. Wish me luck, please...

I suppose I should start with a little bit about me. I'm not very organized. I've got tons of random thoughts just running laps in my head. I say weird stuff out of the blue. I'm a tomboy at heart, with a flair for the dramatic. And I'm proud to admit, I am mostly southern with a little bit of redneck.

I married my high school sweetheart, Thomas. We have been together for 13 years. Next month will be our 11th wedding anniversary. We are a bit "ying and yang", if you can pardon the expression. He keeps me grounded; I help him crawl out of the box occasionally. But we have enough in common that we fit together well.

I am the proud mother of four children. Will should have been our oldest at age 10 (he would have been 11 next month); he had multiple birth defects and died at three months old. Our oldest living is Erin, age 9; she is our tween that thinks she knows it all. (Erin is also high functioning autistic.) Next in line is Nate, age 5; he's our hand-full of a kindergartener. And finally comes Caleb, age 2; Caleb is our reserved child, the only quiet one in the bunch.

So what can you expect from this blog? Well, pretty much anything. I know there will be many topics in the future as my family shifts. Some will be funny, some happy, some sad. Plus, I have some odd likes and dislikes, many opinions on everything, and lots of questions that leave you wondering "who ever thinks of this stuff?". I'll discuss relationships of all sorts, the trials of family life, music, school life, TV, attitudes... you get the picture!

Well, there it is. How'd I do? Hopefully, you'll tag along for my ride.