Thomas and I watched Smallville this week. It's a tv series about Clark Kent before he was and as he became Superman. In this week's episode, Clark is shown how his life would have differed had he'd been raised by a Luthor, the family that is actually Superman's ultimate rival. Instead of being compassionate and a gentleman, Clark was cold-hearted and a killer. This got me to thinking...
My life has taken many different abrupt turns. My first was when my parents divorced when I was still too young to know. Then, my mother died, and I moved in with my Daddy and my Mom. Just five years later, I lost my precious Will. These are just the sharpest of turns in my life.
I'm wondering how life would have differed if each of these events hadn't occured. As far as my parents never divorcing, I don't have any way of imaging that. I have only known my parents to be apart. But my mother dying, that was tough. She was the parent that provided for me, to me, for so long. I wasn't old enough to appreciate like I do now what Daddy did and felt behind the curtains. I'm not trying to speak ill of the dead, but I wonder what I'd have become if I had continued to live with my mother. I don't think my mother or her boyfriend, Joey, were bad people; they were simply alcoholics. I'm certain, though, it wouldn't have been pleasant. Before anyone thinks bad of me for saying that, I will say my mother was very sick, and I know she was only trying to mask her pain from us and herself. But what a place for children to grow up!
For years, I wanted my baby back. I've come to realize, though, what kind of life he, and Thomas and I, would have had if he'd have lived. Will would have had little going for him. He was mentally handicapped. He would have struggled to master basic muscle movements. He would have had hearing and vision issues, more than likely. Thomas and I would have had to care for him continuously. It would have added stress to our marriage and finances. We would have had numerous hospital stays, doctor appointments, and more surgery. I fear his little body would have been racked with pain.
I am grateful for my tragedies, in different ways. My mother left a vacant spot. While this spot will never be quite filled, I am blessed with a second mother. Mom has never tried to be a replacement. She taught me to be a lady, if that's possible (considering my tom-boy ways). She encouraged me when others didn't. Mom has defended me, argued my side, and protected me, even when I didn't deserve it. She saw my potential and pushed me to meet it. She loves me like I'm her own. I'll always, always be a Daddy's girl, but I know Mom deserves some credit for who I have become.
Without my mother's death, I wouldn't have met Thomas and had my Will. With my baby Will, I will not deny I miss him. But with him, I would not have Erin, Nathan, or Caleb. I wouldn't have learned some of my most valued lessons. I wouldn't know the pride of having crayon-drawn Mother's Day cards. I wouldn't know the excitement my kids have when waving to me in the carline at school dismissal. I wouldn't have to learn to let my kids go as they grow up. I wouldn't be the me I am today.
In an odd sort of way, I can appreciate these events in my life. While I may define some of who I am by them, it would be impossible for me to be who I am without them. All of the events in my life, intertwining together, have led to who sits at this computer typing this.
