Happy Birthday, Baby Will!

It's been 11 years. He would have been 11 years old today. My kids affectionately refer to him as "Baby Will". Every year I seem to struggle a little less, but then that bothers me too. How can I grow so tolerant to the loss of my baby? I've heard people say to me they couldn't deal with the loss of a child, much less since he lived through Christmas. Christmas would become unbearable in the years to follow.

First, you don't have a choice really. You can choose to end your life, but you can't choose to not be able to deal with it. Life keeps moving around you; the sun keeps rising and setting. One day, it doesn't hurt as bad, and you can take a walk. Then, you can watch another child play. Eventually, you'll laugh and maybe feel guilty for laughing, but it felt good inside. Like it or not, life pushes on.

Second, I couldn't think of a better 3 months for him to have lived. I got him for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the Y2K New Year! He was my Christmas gift! Santa and Mrs. Claus came to see him in the NICU. He had a stocking so big, he could have fit into it. We sat in the NICU counting down to midnight on December 31, 1999. No parties, no confetti or alcohol (I wasn't even of legal drinking age, as a matter of fact). Just us, a few other parents, and the nurses. It was so very quiet in there, only the occasional alarm. We talked about his "ET toe", his big toe with his oxygen saturation monitor on it, making it glow red. As strange as it sounds, it was really peaceful.

I took my time going through the stages of grief, and to some extent I'll always be grieving. I read one time that a husband that looses a wife is a widow. A child that looses a parent is an orphan. But no word exists for a parent that loses a child. I don't remember where I read it, but it stuck with me. I still cry when I go to his grave.

I learned from all this though. Isn't that the point of life experiences? I learned I am stronger than I thought. I learned to appreciate little things and stop for ordinary moments. I learned my kids are irreplaceable, and I can learn from them too. I learned that two people who don't like each other (not Tommy and me) can work together in a crisis. But most of all, I learned I was far more capable of love than I ever thought I could be.

So, on this, the day of my oldest child's birth, I laugh and cry, remembering all the good and the bad. I secretly sing "Happy Birthday" to my eternal 3 month old angel. For 11 years ago today, was one of the greatest days of my life! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY WILL!